What is your best or favorite joke? (lame or good, doesn’t matter)

[Ute Dub]

I had a Freudian slip at dinner last night. I meant to ask my wife to please pass the potatoes, but what slipped out was, “You bitch you ruined my life.”

I’d love to hear everyone’s favorite joke over the summer (off-season).

[ProudUte]

A man got on a bus and sat down by a guy.  The guy’s leg was twitching.  The guy said to the man, “I got this in the Vietnam War and I can’t get rid of it.”

So, the man changed seats, and the guy he sat by kept shaking his neck and head.  The guy said, “I got this in the first Gulf War and I can’t get rid of it.”

So, the man changed seats one more time.  This time the guy he sat next to was shaking his right hand up and down.  The man said to the guy, “I bet you got that in the war in Iran and can’t get rid of it?”  “No,” the guy said, “I got it out of my nose and I can’t get it off.”

 

[Tednab]

Your mama … that’s what she said

[concerned]

Doctor to his patient: Ive got some good news and some bad news. What to you want to hear first?

patient: the bad news

doctor: you have cancer. You have six months to live

patient: omg that is horribole What could possibly be good news after that?

doctor: you see my gorgeous buxom nurse over there? I’m sleeping with her.

[Brettski]

Why did the boy fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

[chinngiskhaan]

This isn’t my joke, but IMO it’s the best of all time

“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that c**ked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

– norm macdonald

 

[Tony (admin)]

That’s pretty good. 

[SoCarolinaUte2]

The Burger King was shaking his head, when his friend  ask him what was wrong.

He said “I just found out i got Dairy Queen pregnant”. His friend ask How?

He said ” I forgot to wrap my whopper”

[Mule]

What do you call a lizard that can’t have little lizard babies?

A reptile dysfunction.

[Central Coast Ute]

I went to McDonalds the other day and ate a kids meal.

His mom was p**sed

[Brettski]

Lol I love that joke.

[FtheY]

You know what the difference between a sandwich and a panini is, don’t you? About four or five dollars. 

You know what they say about assuming, don’t you? Sometimes you’re right and sometimes you’re wrong. 

[GameForAnyFuss]

What’s the difference between a patriot, a rooster, and a BYU-Provo Campus coed?

A patriot says “yankee-doodle-do.”
A rooster says “c**k-a-doodle-do.”
A BYU-Provo Campus coed says “any-doodle-do.”

[Tony (admin)]

Guy walks into a bar Tuesday night and orders two shots.  Drinks them both.

A week later he shows up again at the bar and orders two shots. Drinks them both.

This goes on for a few weeks.

Finally the bartender asks why he comes in and always orders two shots.

“One is for me, and one is for my brother.”

A few more weeks go by, same routine.

Then one Tuesday the guy shows up and orders ONE shot. 

Concerned, the bartender asks, “Sir, I hope I’m not out of line here, but I noticed you ordered one shot.  I hope nothing has happened to your brother.” 

“Na!” the man replied. “I just quit drinking.” 

[Tony (admin)]

This one I made up myself:  “An irishman walks out of a bar…” 

[UteBacker]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

 

My blonde wife isn’t so appreciative of these jokes 😉

[idahoute]

I once googled, “funniest joke in the world”. This is what it spit out…

A woman and her baby step onto a bus, and as they made their way from the front to the back, the bus driver said under his breath yet loud enough for the woman to hear “that is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen”. dejected the woman finds a seat at the back of the bus next to an old lady. The old lady asked the woman “what’s wrong, my dear?” the young woman replied “That bus driver just said the most hurtful thing to me I’ve ever heard!” the old lady looks at the young woman straight in the eye, and says “he can’t do that!,
he is a public employee! You go right up there now, and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
😂

[OldAsDirtUte]

George Carlin, on The Tonight show, many years ago.

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